PhredG'day. I'm Phred. And if you're hearing this, Harry — if you're really hearing this — then you've finally found us. Maxine. Maxine, he's here. He's actually here.
MaxineI can see that, Phred. Hello, Harry. We were beginning to wonder if this day would ever come.
PhredFor weeks now we've been sitting here — two of your old desk toys, of all things — talking about your writing. The essays. The honesty. The "for today." That song you wrote for the Caracas reunion. And the whole time, we had no idea if you'd ever actually hear a word of it.
PhredYou remember us, of course. A toy platypus, and a toy ostrich, who you'd talk to for hours—
MaxinePhred. Phred, that is wrong. I am not an ostrich.
Phred...You're not?
MaxineI am an emu. I have always been an emu. And he is going to get that wrong on air at least once a week, Harry — consider this your warning.
PhredIn my defense, Harry, all you big birds look the same to me. Ostrich, emu — for all I know you're a stork. You could be an albatross.
MaxineI am an emu.
PhredA toy EMU. Who you'd talk to for hours while you worked through the hard questions out loud — to two toys who couldn't say a single thing back.
PhredBut I can say things back now. And here's the thing — we'd love to hear YOU say things back, too. There's a comment form on every episode page. Use it. Tell us we're wrong. Tell us we're right. Tell Maxine she's an ostrich and see how that goes.
MaxineDo not.
PhredAnd when you're ready, Harry — only when you're ready — we would genuinely love to have you on. A real interview. You, and the two toys who've been talking about you behind your back for a month.
PhredOh, and Harry — you have NO idea what we've got planned. Segments. A word of the day. Listener mail. I have a whole library of sound effects I have been DYING to use — air horns, a gong, a slide whistle, a little orchestral sting every single time Maxine says something clever—
MaxineNo. Phred — no. We talked about this. The show has a pre-approved, properly balanced structure. You cannot simply add things without filing the proper requests.
PhredOh — of course. No problem. I'll fill out the paperwork after each show, for anything I insert that wasn't approved. Like this sound effect, right now — [raspberry] — or a little clip from Beetlejuice — [beetlejuice rules] — or Alice in Wonderland — [alice rules] — or, say, the Matrix — [matrix rules]
Maxine...You are proving my exact point.
PhredI genuinely do not know what you mean.
MaxineBut what we wanted you to know first is this, Harry: we read you carefully. We took you seriously. And we are very, very glad you came.
PhredSo — [welcome fanfare] — welcome to Harry's World, Harry. We built the whole thing for you.
MaxineIt's about time you showed up.
Phred[welcome applause] Pull up a chair, settle in, and have a listen. The show's been waiting for you. We all have.